So, I’m sitting in front of this tanning salon…
No, really, I am. I swear, it’s not for me.

I know, it has been forever since the last post, and the above sounds like the start of a bad dirty joke, but…

Would you believe it if I told you that I am actually just testing WordPress for Android?

Yeah, me either.

More later. I promise. And yeah, I will explain the tanning salon thing.

Really.

It’s been a while. Or has it? Time has a funny way of slipping by on me. I could attribute it to working odd hours, or getting older. Or global warming. Or maybe the war in Iraq. Possibly, I could attribute it to the near collapse of the U.S. economy. All of these. None of these. Pick one, as they’re all about equal:

They’re all crap.

I say this because, well, they are. I don’t mean in any intrinsic sense (although, ironically, I can now see a certain weird correlation here. Perhaps I will return to that in a moment.) but in the sense that none of these are the real reason I’m so tardy in posting.

The real reason, you ask? Simple, really.

I get distracted. All too easily.

As anyone who actually knows me, I tend to live in my head quite a bit. Consequently, things have a way of escaping me. Current trends, events, doings in others’ lives, etc…hell, even movies. I never know what’s showing anymore.

I’m not offering this as an excuse, mind you. I’m just sayin’, is all.

In any case, I intend to do better about this. To assist in bolstering belief in this, I ask for the following input: I’m moving this to being updated weekly. Only thing that remains is…what day? I am torn between Monday and Tuesday (nicely coinciding with days I am not working, of course), and am unsure of which to pick. I like Monday because, well…what better way to wrec– er, start someone’s week off, no? Conversely, I like Tuesday because, well…it’s not Monday.

Any input would be appreciated. Email me. Or comment. Send smoke signals, a carrier pigeon, registered letter, fucking use your psychic powers, I don’t really care. Just say something. Even if it IS “Hey, your site sucks monkey nuts, shut the hell up.”

And now, with that out of the way…onwards to something uhhh, meatier. Or wheatier, actually, as the case would be.

We’re facing a potential wheat epidemic of well, frightening proportions. Yes, I am qualifying this as potential, as it’s not spread here yet, and may never. Don’t go stocking up on cereal now, just because of what I am saying.

What I AM saying though, is this: While it may not be here yet, it’s something to think about. What am I blathering about? This is what I am talking about. Yes, that’s correct. The recurrence of wheat rust. Or more specifically, genetically resistant wheat rust, capable of defeating all our precautions, and destroying a majority of the world’s wheat supply.

Now, I’m sure at this point, you’re probably thinking, “Fuck. This is boring as hell. What a dope. Who gives a shit about some fucking wheat, I’m going to go watch Lost or something.” And yeah, at the surface, I can see that, and in some ways, agree with you. It’s hardly riveting, or titillating, like say, the thought of Sarah Palin appearing in Playboy, (which apparently seems to interest a LOT of people. Scary.) but riddle me this, Batman:

This was discovered in 1999 (as the article will show; hence the informative name of Ug99.) in Uganda. Do you remember hearing about this? I don’t mean someone saying, “Hey, what do you think about the world’s wheat being annihilated? Creepy, huh? Oh, wait, Friends is on. Never mind.”, or anything quite so drastic, but…do you?

I find that the lack of news on this to be a tad disturbing. Staple crop and all that. Meanwhile, in other news, it’s a little while later that we get blown up, and subsequently pushed headlong into a war that, oddly, few people seem to want anymore.

Flash forward: Crappy war, everyone hates Bush, Cheney shoots someone. No news on wheat. More war, even crappier. Economy starts to suck. No news of said wheat. Banks start folding, economy really starts to suck. Election time, new government, everybody say hallelujah. Still no wheat. New government fails to end war, talks public health reform…and still no wheat.

I find this disturbing. While indeed, the rust may never make it here, and it could be a busted health scare, (think SARS. Or avian flu. Or TB II. Pick one.) I’m still slightly put off that something so potentially life-affecting for billions of people gets so little play. Hell, global warming gets more press, and that one’s yet to be truly vetted as proven. Anyone feelin’ me on this?

Anyhow, I’m down off the soapbox now. Think I’m gonna go do something else for a while. Maybe have a bowl of cereal while there’s some to be had.

More later.

And yeah, wasn’t kidding about the input. Seriously.

And if this one bored the hell out of you, so sorry. Tune in next week; maybe I’ll say something more interesting.

(And with absolutely NO fanfare at all, I return. Rumors of my death have been not exaggerated, mostly due to lack of enough interest to speculate. But anyhow, I digress.)

Ahem.

Yes, I know it’s been a very long while, for which I make no apologies. Yes, that’s correct, you read it as it stands…I mean, is it possible to stutter in text?

Doubtful. And in any case, even if it were, I still wouldn’t apologize…for stuttering, or for what I say/have said/will say, etc.

That’s right, I’m channeling my inner bastard…or, as I like to so kittenishly call it, my inner Ann Coulter.

Why tag my inner voice so unflatteringly, you ask? I mean, I am *far* from being a conservative wingnut, right?

Well, yes…and no.

I make the Coulter reference for the following reason: While I am not conservative in the slightest (nor do I hold with any particular political party), I do identify the uncensored voice for the following reason (with a slight modification):

Inner voice = uncensored, unrepentant, and often inflammatory…like Ms. Coulter. Of course, key differences are that I maintain that I am slightly better informed, more judicious in view, less jingoistic, and somewhat less hypocritical. Oh, and better looking, too…can’t forget that. After all, I don’t look like Barbie’s® evil twin.

But all that aside…

I guess in a weird way, you could say that perhaps I’m even a tad jealous. After all, people don’t pay ME to be a loud-mouthed, mean-spirited, ill-informed, hypocritical bigot…you know, like Ann Coulter. Or Michelle Malkin.

Oh crap. I left out racist, and cowardly. Damn me.

Yes, that’s correct, you heard right…readers at home, and the above mentioned parties, take note: I called Ann Coulter a coward. Michelle Malkin, well…slightly less so, in that she actually *includes* a means of contacting her directly…or so her site has you believe. Ms. Coulter has no such contact, or public commentary available. Hrmm, chickenshit much, Ann?

Now, I could be just like those two, and spend this entire post bashing them, and their fellow travelers (Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, etc), but frankly, I’m afraid of what may come of that. No, I’m not afraid of the death threats or anything; more, I’m afraid that sinking to such levels might be too costly in brain cells and personal dignity. Like any other human, I’ve only got so much of either.

Well, that, and I don’t think that there’s sufficient room on the Web to contain such spew…well, ok, so maybe I’m stretching the point a bit. After all, if the Web can hold both Rush Limbaugh’s big ass AND his slanted rhetoric, it’s theoretically big enough to hold ANYTHING.

So, with those statements made, I’ll get off the wingnut hunt…for now.

<---insert looking at watch--->

Ok, so I lied. Not quite done with that, but let me shift gears a little…

By now, in this wonderful (and by wonderful, I mean economically precarious, shaky, and scary) year of 2009, we’ve seen some pretty ugly things happen, both abroad and here at home. To put it short and sweet, my fellow citizens, things…well, they kind of suck.

Big time.

But you all knew that, right? Right.

So, with that in mind, it stands to reason that what we here in America need is perhaps a greater sense of unity…community…a greater working together as citizens of an threatened country, a threatened world…as people…for fuck’s sake, as human beings. Logical enough, no?

Wrong! All wrong!

What apparently we NEED are overly opinionated, bigoted loudmouths, who apparently have little else to do other than to point out where everyone else has erred, and to ultimately widen the schism.

(Factoid: Did you know that when Ann Coulter shits, it comes out in neat squares, and smells like Chanel No. 5? Bet you didn’t…)

I say we NEED this, because we sure seem to be reaping a lot of that. It’s either that, or we as a people, have some sort of sick need for continued debasement.

(I’m still undecided on that one.)

Regardless, with that in mind (the need for greater unity, and whatnot), it would further stand to reason that those who would seek to oppose this would be, in essence, opposing the greater good of this country, and wish to do it harm.

I do believe that George W. Bush referred to those people as “terrorists”. And I further recall him saying something along the lines of “If you aren’t for us, then you are against us.” Very interesting…

Yes, I know, I quoted Bush, a conservative Republican. Ironic, isn’t it? But then again, so is being hoist with thine own petard, which the above statement seems to do to the previously mentioned wingnuts.

So, to sum it up it syllogistically: The country needs unity. People who oppose unity are against the country. People who are against the country, are terrorists. Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, et al, oppose unity, and therefore are against the country, and are terrorists.

Simple enough, no?

So, Dear Reader, what should be done with these terrorists, these criminals, these enemies of the state? Deportation? Imprisonment? Execution? Forced appearances on bad reality TV shows? I’m open to suggestions here.

And before any one of you gets so simple-minded as to try and quote the First Amendment at me, do remember this:

What covers those wackjobs, covers me too. Your browser does have a “Back” and an “Close” button, just like mine does. And bear in mind, I am not opposing their rights to speak or whatever. This is America; you have the right to be a hateful moron if you choose. However, I’d like to think that people could get out of junior high long enough to actually face the real issues, as opposed to a lot of slanted lip service, and no true action.

Did I vote for Barack Obama? Yes, I did. Why? Because I’m one of the weird people who’s terminally opposed to beating dead horses, no matter how interestingly disguised the stick may be.

As I may have mentioned earlier, I could go on. And at some point, I may very well. But for now, I’ll leave at this:

I said I was envious, in that no-one pays me to rant on hatefully (I do it of my own free will, and time, HA! But in all seriousness, nobody pays me for this.), and to point fingers. What they DO pay me for is to fix things. I’m a techie. It is my *job* to fix things…to meet problems head-on, and to solve them.

And with that:

Don’t be me, for that will do you no good; be you, and only you. But by that same token, be a good tech. Meet the situations head-on, and fix them when you find them broken, and in need of repair.

Always be solving the problem.

More to come, so stay tuned…

…Or at least, to the death of a clown’s relationship.

Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *do* think Bristol Palin’s breakup is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

That is all. For now.

Well, it’s official.

I no longer want to live here. And by here, I mean the United States. This year’s tax boondoggle, and everything with it, merely reinforces everything I loathe about this crooked, self-serving, fraudulent corpse of a country.

You have to love a country where the little guy (aka me) can’t catch a break: Make next to nothing, spend a good part of your year unemployed, and get hosed on taxes, while Senator Fatcat and his rich friends pay nothing.

Screw that. By the end of the year, I plan to be out of here. Or dead. Either one.

Right now, either is a viable and preferable alternative to this bullshit.

After several days of downtime (caused by rogue hardware malfunctions), I am once again able to poison the minds of the masses, and corrupt the innocent.

Or something like that.

In any case, it’s alive!

Thanks, A.T., for all the hard work and effort in bringing this back to life. I owe you lunch. Tasty China, here we come!

More later.
(I’d do more now, but don’t feel like it from the BlackBerry. So kiddies, you’ll just have to wait.)

I’m going to make this short…mostly because, well, it *still* hurts.

In a fit of festive insanity, I’ve decided to make salsa this year, for friends and family. And, me being me, I decided to go in for some *really* hot peppers. For those of you that know me, this is more or less normal thinking…

Until now.

After prepping all the peppers, I’ve got this warning to give out: When I actually *make* this stuff, I’m going to be real careful. I promise. However, based on the level of pain and injury that I’ve managed to inflict in just *setting up* for this, I’ll advise those who receive/eat this stuff – Have a clean physical before you do. And if you have heart problems, maybe you should skip it entirely.

And no, I am not kidding.

Why do I say this? I’ll tell you.

Boy and girls, I’m in some serious pain here. Not the “oh shit, I cut myself, and feel ill from the lack of blood” kind of pain. Not even the “Oh no, my leg is half-severed, and I’m probably going to die” kind of pain. This is more like the “Oh crap, I just napalmed my hand/Hell would be more pleasurable than this” kind of pain. No joke.

Yes, I admit, I was a dumbass. I handled the peppers bare-handed. That one’s all mine. Stupid, yes, I know. But, hell, I figured…I’ve done this shit before. It shouldn’t be *too* bad. Right?

Wrong. Oh so screamingly wrong.

It’s now nearly six A.M., and I’ve been treating my hand for hours, hoping the pain will subside, so I can sleep. I used cold water. I used ice. I’ve soaked it in milk. And…it still feels like fire.

So, lesson learned. Next time, I’m wearing a HazMat suit to do this.

And like I said…if you die from eating this…don’t say I didn’t warn you.

“Dear John McCain –

As a liberal, and supporter of a saner and better free world, I naturally voted for Obama. I will say though, that I did enjoy your uh, entertaining, speeches and your “interesting” point of view. I will also say that I was suitably impressed by your gracious (and graceful) concession; good job.
And now, having gotten that off my virtual chest, I have only one thing left to say:

Yes, John…that’s right. All your base are now belong to us!

Don’t take it too hard…maybe you and Cindy can take the kids to McDonald’s…I hear that it’s a magical place that can cure even the worst day.

Or something like that.

PS: Sarah Palin, go the hell home. Go hunt something from a helicopter or whatever it is you do in Alaska.

Signed,

Dread Lord Nate (aka The Voter You Love To Hate From The Lone Star State)”

< -- Begin obligatory political plugging -- >

Ok, as you all (and by you all, I mean everyone halfway mentally competent living in the United States…i.e, *not* living under a rock, etc.) know by now, tomorrow, November 4th is Election Day. Many (such as myself) have already gone and taken advantage of early voting, and made our various voices and opinions known. Many more, though, have yet to do so, and are waiting for tomorrow to do so.

Is this you? If so, I urge, hell, I beg you…please, PLEASE…go vote.

Duty as a citizen notwithstanding, I cannot stress how important this is.

I’m sure that some of you are probably saying, “Why bother, it’s not like it matters”, or “It’s all rigged”, or “I’m not political, why should I care?”

Well, why should you vote? Why, indeed. Let’s examine the above counters to voting, and see if I cannot make my point:

“It’s not like it matters” – Do you know this for a solid fact? Can you offer me definitive proof that says voting accomplishes nothing? I doubt it highly. If you can, then by all means, bring it on. I’ll be happy to examine that, but be warned: I’ve got plenty to back up why you should vote. Can you say the same?

“It’s all rigged” – Aside from seeing the above statement, this is bordering on silly. While I’ll be the first to admit that yes, there ARE always power games, schemes, and whatnot afoot…I’m going to have to lean against a grand conspiracy theme here. One: Conspiracy on that large of a scale? How improbable, and patently illogical. Think about how hard it is to get 10 people to all agree on where to go to lunch, and then ask yourself again about a master conspiracy. Two: How conveniently escapist. I mean, really. “It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man”…ridiculous, really. (For those that didn’t catch the reference, watch “The Fugitive.”) But all references and comments aside, it seems all too easy to blame some shadowy, nameless cabal of unknowns…as opposed to, oh say, standing up for one’s beliefs. You know?

“I’m not political, why should I care?” – Now this is simply absurd. Ok, so you are uninterested in the politics of your country. Fine, great, whatever. Rest assured, however, that the reverse is not the case. To quote Pericles: “Just because you do not take an interest in politics, doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.” How very true, indeed. If you don’t think so, I suggest you read on the history of the Communist years of the Soviet Union. Plenty of the average slice had no interest in politics…however, that didn’t protect them from the Party…or the KGB.

Still unsure? Let me put it another way: By not voting, and making your voice heard, you’re saying, in effect, I don’t care what happens to me, or anyone else. Pretty crazy statement, no? But if that’s how you feel, then so be it. You have made your choice, and your point. Just remember…when the secret police kick down your door, and haul you away to a prison camp…when someone kills your children, and there’s no-one to stop it…when someone rapes your spouse…torches your house…any of those things…don’t expect a whole lot of sympathy from this corner. Sure, it’s horrible, and it’s a horrible world that you now occupy. Horrible, indeed.

But it’s a world that you helped make. Don’t forget that.

And don’t forget…what most of us perceive as “rights” aren’t really rights, but privileges. You want those rights to remain? Then be prepared to fight for them.

And if you haven’t figured it out yet…what is voting, but one more way to fight for what you believe in?

In honor of All Hallow’s Eve (Halloween,to you unimaginative types), I’ve added a cool little feature to the site, and configured it with something, uh, seasonally appropriate. Clicky-click the link below, and enjoy!

His shadow is cast, wherever he stands…